Your Spam Is Salty And Unpleasant

Remember when people used to say they were going to open up a can of whoop-ass on someone? Well, imagine if someone threatened to open up a can of spam instead. I don’t know about you, but I’d throw my arms up in the air and head for the hills. Like a muppet. Like a boneless, blue-haired muppet.

We’ve all been victims of spam. There’s just no way around it. If you use the internet, you’re going to eat some of that salty gelatinous meat-product whether you like it or not, so shut up and choke it down.

Here’s the thing; most of the time we’re responsible for our own spam dinner. We become members of websites, we order stuff online… and bam, we’re on some stupid mailing list because we forgot to check the ‘if you send me junk mail I’ll kill you’ box. These things are relatively easy to get off of. They’re legally required to give you an opt out option either at the bottom of their spammy email or on their site. Oh, how I loathe the ones that make you go to their stupid site to unsubscribe from their craptastic newsletter… but I’ll do it. I’ll grumble my way through their dumb website and begrudgingly put in my email address to get rid of the junk that shows up in my inbox.

But what if there isn’t a website to go to? What if the spammer isn’t a bot? What if the spammer is an honest-to-goodness human being; one you contemplate looking up the address of and showing up on their doorstep with an axe and a smile?

Friends, I’ve just resolved TWO situations just like this, and it took all my self-control to leave my axe at home.

The first situation was relatively innocent, at least in the beginning. I was sent a mass email from someone I had contacted months before about a book cover. The email was apologizing for a lack of response and offering an explanation as to why said lack of response had occurred. Fine, whatever. But then the mass email aspect of it kicked in, and I was suddenly stuck reading angry emails in response to the first one by people I’ve never met, never emailed, never heard of in my life. And let me tell you, some of these emails were harsh.

I’ll be the first to admit that I take not-so-secret pleasure in watching people get what’s coming to them. I was always the kid who liked to watch other kids get in trouble, not because I had anything to do with it, but because they deserved it. At first I was somewhat amused at these emails. I’d give them a glance and delete them and go on with my day. But they continued. They continued far beyond the scope of my interest, and there I was… stuck on a mass mailing that idiots were hitting ‘reply to all’ to.

Let me be the first to say that you should NEVER ‘reply to all’ unless, you know, you want to reply to all. Is it that hard to understand what ‘reply to all’ means? Apparently so.

Secondly, don’t send mass emails. Not only is it unprofessional, but you’re inadvertently giving away people’s email addresses—email addresses that people have provided to you assuming that, you know, you wouldn’t go around giving it out to everyone on your contact list.

The second spam instance I’m still unclear on, but I have a feeling it has something to do with the first. Out of nowhere, I was on some guys  mailing list (which consisted of a good 100 email addresses, if not more) who thought it was a fantastic idea to send an email every other day saying ‘HEY, BUY MY BOOK!’

…really? Were you born stupid, or did your momma hit you too hard?

Someone out there genuinely thinks  sending random emails to people is a good marketing idea. You know, kind of like random churches from around the community think it’s a good idea to send people to my front door with pamphlets. Imagine yourself being a random church goer. Imagine me opening the door. Imagine my face. Imagine it.

If looks could kill, you’d be dead.

So, yeah… random blog about spam and how it makes me yearn for the day I finally lose it and invest in a chainsaw. If you’re a spammer, I hate you. I hate you with every fiber of my black little heart. Here’s my favorite muppet.

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26 thoughts on “Your Spam Is Salty And Unpleasant

  1. Great post! You make me laugh 😉 What I really hate about spam, is the spammers that comment on my website. I have the comments held in moderation and it’s not so hard to reject the viagra ad from WEINERBEHARD12345-but I had the same spammer hit my blog 18 times last night-in three fricken hours! And of course, I get all excited when I see a comment waiting in my email…come to think of it, if you see a redhead in line behind you at the chainsaw store and she keeps mumbling ‘weiner be hard my ASS!’-it may just be me 😉

      • I have my website here on wordpress but I just put out posts-it’s not technically a wordpress blogsite like yours because I’m technologically crippled :)But weinerbehard still finds me *sigh*

      • WordPress has an anti-spam widget called Akismet. It keeps spam from coming to you and just tosses it in a spam folder instead. You should look into it. It would keep Weinerbehard, you know… flaccid. :cough:

  2. LOL! “a boneless blue-haired muppet.”

    🙂 I hate SPAM! I would definitely bring my axe. People, like those you’ve mentioned, who live to bother others should be force-fed real SPAM until they’ve learned their lessons. Nice post.

  3. Hey, just stumbled upon your blog from perusing #pubwrite. Love your tongue – reckon you’ll go far. Cheers for brightening up a post-drinking-session internet surf!


  4. I’m with you right there.

    I feel such rage, when I follow someone on Twitter (who’s a legit Tweep), just for them to post scheduled Twitter adds several times an hour “buy my book” & “my blog my blog my blog”.

    I WANT TO see the adds to your book and blog, BUT NOT FUCKING 50 TIMES A DAY so they clog my feed.

    One special offender posted TEN adds in under fifteen minutes. Just WTF!

    I unfollow those rather quickly.

    • Same here. And same with #MM’s #WW’s and #FF’s. Had one guy post seven #WW’s in a row yesterday… all filled with the same name over and over and over again. Same NAME, as in one person… Pissed me off. Do you really think I’m going to follow that person because you’re being an idiot?

  5. Ha! That’s great. You know though that every so-called marketing guru I’ve come across gets all hot and bothered over newsletters? Every single one basically says your blog will tank miserably if you don’t have one…I personally HATE newsletters and never read them, so why would I put one on my site? If I could, I don’t think wordpress has one of those.

    Oh and I saw mention of Akismet in the comments. It works wonders: it’s blocked over five hundred spam comments on my site, although some slip through. Oddly, a lot of them appear to be in Russian. *shrugs*

    • I’ve heard the newsletter thing too, from bloggers to authors… and quite frankly, I would never sign up for one. I don’t like the idea of them whatsoever. If someone wants to keep up with me, I make it preeeeetty easy. I mean, Twitter, Facebook, a website AND a blog? What more could you possibly want from me?

      • I don’t like them and I’ll never issue one. If people like what I write, they can subscribe via email but I won’t do a newsletter. It’s ridiculous haha. I mean I’ve got two different blogs, Twitter, and Facebook myself too. No reason someone can’t get at me.

  6. I laughed so hard at this. I even read it to my husband who, in turn, laughed as well. I have often thought of keeping a water gun beside my front door and posting a sign that says “Solicitors will be shot…in the face.” When people ring the doorbell anyways, I shall shoot them with my water gun. After all, our entire neighborhood has “No Solicitations Allowed” signs posted every where!

    • I like that idea.

      I wonder if I’d be allowed to let my dog bite them in the face. I do have ‘beware of dog’ signs on my fence.

  7. Okay, so I imagined your face and kept going back to that scene in Dead Alive where the guy takes a lawnmower to the zombies in his house. What a mess THAT made!

  8. Still spluttering with laughter. Now I really, really, REALLY want to be there when the random church people knock on your door. At 7am. On a Saturday morning.

    Also, I love Grover and I love that video. Full of awesome.

    • If they knock on my door THIS Saturday I’ll probably just laugh at them and ask ’em when Heyzoos’ flight arrives.

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