Your Spam Is Salty And Unpleasant

Remember when people used to say they were going to open up a can of whoop-ass on someone? Well, imagine if someone threatened to open up a can of spam instead. I don’t know about you, but I’d throw my arms up in the air and head for the hills. Like a muppet. Like a boneless, blue-haired muppet.

We’ve all been victims of spam. There’s just no way around it. If you use the internet, you’re going to eat some of that salty gelatinous meat-product whether you like it or not, so shut up and choke it down.

Here’s the thing; most of the time we’re responsible for our own spam dinner. We become members of websites, we order stuff online… and bam, we’re on some stupid mailing list because we forgot to check the ‘if you send me junk mail I’ll kill you’ box. These things are relatively easy to get off of. They’re legally required to give you an opt out option either at the bottom of their spammy email or on their site. Oh, how I loathe the ones that make you go to their stupid site to unsubscribe from their craptastic newsletter… but I’ll do it. I’ll grumble my way through their dumb website and begrudgingly put in my email address to get rid of the junk that shows up in my inbox.

But what if there isn’t a website to go to? What if the spammer isn’t a bot? What if the spammer is an honest-to-goodness human being; one you contemplate looking up the address of and showing up on their doorstep with an axe and a smile?

Friends, I’ve just resolved TWO situations just like this, and it took all my self-control to leave my axe at home.

The first situation was relatively innocent, at least in the beginning. I was sent a mass email from someone I had contacted months before about a book cover. The email was apologizing for a lack of response and offering an explanation as to why said lack of response had occurred. Fine, whatever. But then the mass email aspect of it kicked in, and I was suddenly stuck reading angry emails in response to the first one by people I’ve never met, never emailed, never heard of in my life. And let me tell you, some of these emails were harsh.

I’ll be the first to admit that I take not-so-secret pleasure in watching people get what’s coming to them. I was always the kid who liked to watch other kids get in trouble, not because I had anything to do with it, but because they deserved it. At first I was somewhat amused at these emails. I’d give them a glance and delete them and go on with my day. But they continued. They continued far beyond the scope of my interest, and there I was… stuck on a mass mailing that idiots were hitting ‘reply to all’ to.

Let me be the first to say that you should NEVER ‘reply to all’ unless, you know, you want to reply to all. Is it that hard to understand what ‘reply to all’ means? Apparently so.

Secondly, don’t send mass emails. Not only is it unprofessional, but you’re inadvertently giving away people’s email addresses—email addresses that people have provided to you assuming that, you know, you wouldn’t go around giving it out to everyone on your contact list.

The second spam instance I’m still unclear on, but I have a feeling it has something to do with the first. Out of nowhere, I was on some guys  mailing list (which consisted of a good 100 email addresses, if not more) who thought it was a fantastic idea to send an email every other day saying ‘HEY, BUY MY BOOK!’

…really? Were you born stupid, or did your momma hit you too hard?

Someone out there genuinely thinks  sending random emails to people is a good marketing idea. You know, kind of like random churches from around the community think it’s a good idea to send people to my front door with pamphlets. Imagine yourself being a random church goer. Imagine me opening the door. Imagine my face. Imagine it.

If looks could kill, you’d be dead.

So, yeah… random blog about spam and how it makes me yearn for the day I finally lose it and invest in a chainsaw. If you’re a spammer, I hate you. I hate you with every fiber of my black little heart. Here’s my favorite muppet.

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